souffle_girlek | (no subject)

(no subject)

Oswin reminds herself, firmly, that she agreed to this.

She agreed to meet a doctor (not a Doctor) and talk. She agreed to come at a specific time to do this.

And a specific place.

And her pride kept her from saying that really, she'd rather walk over hot coals than go back into the infirmary if at all possible.

So Oswin arrives at Alana Bloom's new office looking more like an inmate facing execution than someone looking for help.

Actually, inmates probably look more relaxed. Any more tightly wound, and she'll fly apart in bits.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"How much is enough, if you don't mind my asking?" Alana asks, making another note. "I'm here to help you. I only have your best interests at heart."

"Enough, I guess. If I wake up I don't need more, or I'd be asleep still." She hedges, still tapping.

"Five hours? I don't know."

Alana nods, taking down another note. "Would you mind keeping track of your sleep over the next week? I'd like to see how many hours you're getting."

"... I can do that." She'll just give the job to one of the bots, that'd be easy.

"What pattern are you tapping out on the chair?" Alana asks, tilting her head.

She freezes for a second, as if only just now realizing she was doing that.

Then she repeats the pattern, imagining her keyboard, what the keystrokes would be.

"Lock codes."

Alana pauses for a moment, processing this. "For your door?" she asks, her lips thinning out. "That sort of muscle memory must be a pretty strong coping mechanism. Do you need me to play Carmen?"

"For the facility. Lock them all down. They can't get me if they're all locked in." She corrects - she took her fight on the offensive, making them rue the day they gave her access to their system.

"I understand," Alana says, nodding. She sets her pen down. "That's the most effective way to ensure that they couldn't get you. But you don't need to defend yourself against them anymore. You're here now, and you're safe."

"Back in the infirmary, yes." And that's fine, that's fine, she remembers how she got her this time, she remembers the path and the reasons behind it.

"Does the infirmary work for you as a meeting place?" Alana asks, lacing her fingers together around her knees. "I want you to be comfortable, and feel safe."

She comes within a breath of relenting. Within a breath of babbling out relief and terror at being called out and begging to meet anywhere that isn't here.

"I'm fine." It's a strangled, terse pair of words, an utter lie. But she's not that broken. She's not. She can do this properly.

"All right," Alana says, inclining her head. "Just remember that it's up to you that we do this. You are the one in control of this session, and what we talk about. I'm only here to direct you if you like."

She picks up her notes again. "I'd like to go back to the issue of isolation again, if you don't mind. And I'd like to give you some homework: hang out with some of your friends this week. It only has to be for an hour or so, just enough to check in."

Oswin gnaws on her lower lip, considering. That should be do-able. Should be.

Might not be.

What if it isn't? It shouldn't be hard, but... what if? What if she can't manage to go out for a week? It's happened. She'd like to say not often, but... well. She's a master at self-delusion, she knows that.

"Um." She doesn't want to fail, if she fails does that mean it's over? How many chances does she get? She should have asked. She forgot to ask.

So in the face of a fairly simple request, Alana gets an expression of near-panic.

"Oswin?" Alana asks, tilting her head. "Are you quite all right?"

"... Sure. I..." She chokes on the lie, grimacing. She can hold it together. She can do this, and not fail, and hold it together.

Right?

"Forgive me for saying so, but you don't look all right," Alana says, lacing her fingers together in her lap again. "Is it the assignment?"

After a long moment of debating whether or not she should just try to fake it harder, she nods, dropping her gaze to the floor.

"Well, let's talk about that," Alana says, leaning forward. "What about the assignment makes you nervous?"

"It should be fine. I... it should be fine." The answer feels inane, she's genius, damnit, she shouldn't be down to repeating herself. It makes her angry, that her brain can't seem to snap out of this loop.

"But... if it isn't..."

"If you can't quite manage to hang out with your friends this week, that's perfectly fine," Alana says, shaking her head. "You can try again next week. There's no penalty for failure for this."

Oswin looks up to stare for a long moment, searching for the lie, the trick. Evidently she doesn't find what she's looking for, as her shoulders slump with relief.

"Oh." The word lengthens, shuddering. "Oh, okay."

"I will try to never give you more than you can handle at any given time," Alana says, sitting back in her chair and making another note. "But I do want to push you out of your comfort zone. A little at a time."

"Okay." She takes a deep breath to try and settle her rattled nerves "I'm. Sure. That'll work."

She's not at all sure it'll work, but at least a failure won't be disastrous.

The corners of Alana's lips lift slightly. "I hope so," she says. "Now, I think that might be enough for today. Make sure you treat yourself for coming out here."

Oswin nods, not entirely convinced she did well today. For right now, doing it, however poorly, will just have to do.

"Will do. I... thank you." For not giving up on her, despite her glitches.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only